Strangest Thing

Please can you stop the noise? I'm trying to get some rest.

2009-11-07T00:20:00.001-06:00

"Suppose there was a certain being that would come about in scattered time, that had the access to different realms of the mind. She would live her earliest years as a wretched misunderstanding of her right to what she feels. Trying to bridge across some guides of morality to make sense of any minute occurrence. Breaking down, bit by bit from time to time the past, the present, and the endless upheavals of possible futures."

This has got to die.

2009-04-13T03:26:00.001-05:00

"I would trade you sex for revelation."

I see them moving across the page.

2009-03-29T05:44:00.003-05:00

"There is no amount of work occupying enough, alcohol strong enough, drug deadly enough or excuse good enough to refute how much I miss you."

What if you walk around the clock?

2009-01-31T01:07:00.002-06:00

"The best night of my life consisted of red wine, hand rolled cigarettes, and finger painting."

Unknown.

2009-01-29T02:38:00.002-06:00

"I spilled my insides out onto the floor again today

And as I always I re-swallowed the mess to clean up the display

But I must have missed a spot because there is a vacancy

So noticeable you could see right through me

A gaping hole where most things foreign could fit

Much like the hole you and I fell in the day we met

And that will cause an infection that will enter my blood stream

I hope I become ill enough to wipe my slate clean

Because I’m hell-bound in lack of your presence

I’ll just have take in consideration the love that you referenced"

New Year's Eve we dropped mushrooms and danced around the house.

2009-01-01T04:57:00.004-06:00

"I pretend to be smart, enlightened, hungry for knowledge and better than you. All I am doing is hiding something non-cohesive, unresponsive, indigestible and impossible to understand."

I'm torn in pieces. My heart is reeling.

2008-12-08T02:13:00.005-06:00

"I think the reason I have avoided writing in one of my actual journals for so long is because doing so means that I have something to admit. It would mean that something is wrong. Of course, I am quite aware of what is out of sorts, but I’ve come to the point of exhaustion far beyond the will to deal with what ales me."

Strangest Thing.

2008-12-08T01:57:00.002-06:00

"It wasn’t the sex that I was going to miss the most. It was sitting with him in our underwear on the living room floor, just talking. Sharing spoon full’s of Jell-o we discussed his recent oil paintings and my poetry. We sat and ate cherry jell-o like we were kids; slurping the chunks from the cold metal spoons and wiggling it around in our mouths. Sitting cross-legged hunched over the container of jell-o we shared, Adam told me about his parents. He told me about his mother as I watched the way his lips moved while he talked. I had watched them long enough that I was able to predict how they would wrap around his words. How his two top teeth would show through when his mouth was moving a certain way. For some reason I loved those two teeth. I began to anticipate when they would peek through, what words brought them out the most."

I listen in, yes I'm guilty of this, you should know this.

2008-12-05T11:14:00.003-06:00

"She hoped he understood: She didn't think he was evil or at fault. She didn't even blame him. Max was just not ready to be challenged."

It's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate.

2008-11-29T21:22:00.001-06:00

"Every song applied."

Blue.

2008-11-21T11:31:00.003-06:00

"I stare at the corner diagonally from me. Where tow points meet and become one, they, like two completely different worlds, come together. Graffiti, drawings, poems and lyrics crawled on the wall that only the indie hipsters of Minneapolis would bother marking. None-the-less, I enjoy reading them when I use the facility. But I'm not reading the words on the wall at this time. I study the wall as a whole.

'It needs more blue." My voice is horse and distant to me, and at the same time the loudest thing in the world. My eyelid continues to twitch. I picture a fly trapped inside of my eyelid, squirming and jerking around, trying to escape. I lift my hand and press against my eyelid, trying to smother the bug. No use. I give up on the homicide and lift my arms above my head and stroke the brail wall with my fingertips, keeping my gaze in the same spot. Why the hell was I on the bathroom floor? At the time I really didn't give a shit. I felt serene and enlightened and the center of my own universe. All that mattered in that moment was the four walls of the bathroom I was currently inhabiting."

A thousand different versions of yourself.

2008-11-13T13:42:00.002-06:00

"Amanda, if you say you're not going to go to this party, I will drag you there myself and leave you there. I guarantee you your Saturday would be way more fun than mine. In all likely-hood I will just get baked and go to Taco Bell."

Surviving Horror Movies

2008-11-13T03:24:00.000-06:00

So I've been watching a lot of horror movies lately and I think that I'm at a point where I've got a pretty good grasp of how these situations work. If you ever become involved in a horror movie, the first thing you need to do is take stock of your surroundings and figure out which character you are. To start with an easy one, if you are black, never go on any kind of space or jungle mission without bringing at least one other black person with you. Preferably a male who looks less like Ving Rhames than you do, because if you're black you want to have the three B's in your favor. You want to be big, bald, and badass. Now if I'm getting chased by a serial killer or werewolf or something, I've got no illusions about my chances because I'm an SCKD personality: Stoned, Caucasian, and Kind of a Dick.

Can't you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue

2008-11-11T03:43:00.004-06:00

"I am a victim of my own empowered imprisonment

Because you were always too clever to take a hint

I could never figure out where the hell you went

I was too blindsided by your reckless abandonment

So I sit and count our pencils and pens

Can't figure which are mine and which are stolen

I twist, I turn, I rock, I bend

Trying to keep up with your latest trend"

Wired.

2008-11-08T19:03:00.003-06:00

Hands shaking on the steering wheel

Drink your coffee

Sunglasses, it's not that light out

Don't want to be seen

Still vulnerable from unsettling dreams

Wired, wired, wired, so wired

Grab your phone, it's an organ

Your make-up, your i-pod, your pager, your pills

Finish your coffee; gasoline

Stay under the impression you run on unleaded fuel.

While Supplies Last

2008-11-08T18:56:00.000-06:00

I am a bona-fide electric messiah
as seen on TV,
custom-made and hardwired for your every need.
I’m fleet-footed and heavy-handed,
hard-headed but easy on the eyes.
I’m a doomsayer and a power player,
overzealous and underappreciatied,
underpaid and over-played,
overwrought and underrated,
undernourished and hyperextended.
I’m self-taught, self-motivated,
self-conscious and self-destructive.
I’m hot-blooded and I’m mild-mannered,
limited edition with infinite potential.
Fat-free, gluten-free, duty-free and dolphin-safe.
Confidential, non-judgmental, while-you-wait, and open 24 hours.
I’m a solar-powered lunatic,
a carpet-bagging basket case,
an egomaniac and an eco-terrorist.
I’m a closed-circuit psychopath
with a one-track mind.
I’ve got high-tech solutions
and high-class delusions,
I see the glass as half-full
and I’m three-quarters blind.
I’ve been retooled, re-imagined, reinvented,
reinforced, retrofitted and FDA approved.
I’m a top dog, a cool cat, a cash cow,
a culture vulture and a hungry hungry hippo.
I’m a high-stepping holy roller,
an icebreaker and a power broker.
I’m a smooth-talking street preacher
with bad ideas and the best of intentions.
I’m an earth-bound space heater,
an outsider and an instigator,
a flag-burning bed-wetter,
a maverick and a trendsetter.
I’m shit chic and I’m fart deco.
I’ve got an ulterior motive
and an alternative lifestyle,
forward thinking and backwards-compatible.
I’m a stainless, painless no-brainer.
A quick and easy operation,
environmentally friendly and tax deductible.
I like life-changing experiences
and mind-altering drugs.
I’m a single-minded double-talker,
fully loaded and semi-automatic,
fuel-efficient and ergonomically designed.
I’m a go-getter and a showstopper,
a firebrand and a waterhead.
I fight the power, I support the troops,
I give peace a chance and I stand up for the little guy.
I’m above the law, beyond the pale,
on the fence, off the reservation
and in theaters near you.
I’m a laugh-riot and a drama queen,
a freedom-loving hate machine,
as crooked as a laser beam,
the best, the worst, no in-between,
the greatest thing you’ve ever seen,
I’ll blow your mind, rip out your spleen,
you hear what I’m saying, you know what I mean,
I’m a 21st-century American dream.

Feathers on my breath, gentle impulsion, shakes me, makes me lighter.

2008-11-04T13:00:00.002-06:00

"Max was extremely conflicted between her reckless life that she enjoyed and the reality she needed to face that caused her grief."

The thrill of fear: I thought I'd never admit it.

2008-10-30T10:45:00.002-05:00

"The freckles on his chest reminded me of constellations; stars in the sky. Some darker, some lighter; stars that were closer or further. A galaxy covering the surface of his body. Counting them proved to be just as difficult as counting the stars in the sky. I got lost in them; dizzy trying to pick each one out individually. I just liked the way that it sounded. That his chest was freckled with stars."

Ankles splayed and all tied, the Gymnast long has arrived.

2008-10-30T10:37:00.004-05:00

"When the only way she could decipher what day of the week it was from referencing her pill case labeled with the seven abbreviations, Max new it was time to get some sleep."

Taste the Rainbow.

2008-10-27T04:39:00.002-05:00

"In my opinion, there is no better way to eat your feelings other than in candy; particularly Starbursts and Skittles."

The pastel painting on the opposite wall was mocking me.

2008-10-27T04:10:00.002-05:00

"We laid on our backs, looking up at the waves of white paint in my ceiling. We talked without looking at each other; afraid of our words, but not daring to trim edges around the truth. There could be no more of that. We were now suffering the consequences of that mistake, inevitable as it may have been."

The Strangest Thing.

2008-10-27T03:12:00.003-05:00

"For years I always felt that I had to look behind me when I sat in a room. That I could feel the prickle of eyes or the heat of breath of some unknown being on the back of my neck, my shoulder blades, my spine. In the dark I would sit, always convinced that something sinister was about to touch me, grab me and set upon me something so horrifying that I could never imagine. I would become terrified beyond any logical explanation. I would then look behind me to see if someone was there, only to find myself; alone in the dark."

So it's 6:30 AM and I've been up all night...

2008-10-24T08:37:00.002-05:00

I walked to 7/11 about an hour and a half ago to get Coca-Cola and cigarettes. There were already old people up and walking around on the sidewalks. It just didn't seem quite right. I felt like I was in a horror movie. I just wanted to grab one of them by the shirt collar and shake them, shouting "WHAT MOTIVATES YOU? IT IS REALLY FUCKING COLD OUT HERE, DID YOU KNOW THAT?" Probably a good thing I didn't in retrospect.

ATTENTION EVERYBODY.

2008-10-23T01:04:00.003-05:00

Thing I Would Like to Do Before I Die #1: Shoot a guy who's standing on the edge of a rooftop so that when he falls, he does a slow motion front flip and lands on top of a parked car, or in a dumpster.

It wasn't suppose to happen like this. You were suppose to end, and me, begin.

2008-10-22T04:18:00.001-05:00

"Even now, I would still leave all of my journals to you."

I have dreams of your face and it scares me awake.

2008-10-21T18:59:00.007-05:00

"I listen to him cry over the phone like I have never heard a man cry in my life. It is honest and horrible and never ending and it makes me weep right along with him. He hates himself in a way that is so fierce and stubborn and I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could tell him why he deserves love; why he deserves everything. I imagine him sitting and crying with the phone to his ear, his head in his hands. I hear him gasp between heavy sobs and I knew he was shaking. I picture him; snot running down his face, blotchy red cheeks all wet with tears.

I have never been more in love with him than in that moment."

Trip.

2008-10-21T05:07:00.004-05:00

"Missile slowly approaching it's fate. Swimming in a crying cave. The fireflies light the way."

You do. You will.

2008-10-21T04:08:00.000-05:00

"The light from the lamp penetrates the darkness of the room as I watch the thick shadow change on my hand. I turn my wrist; clockwise, then counter clockwise. Swallowing up those little blonde hairs as it spreads, and revels them as it retreats. The shadow's movement is fluid and beautiful and it has a life of its own. I wish I could capture motion like this in a drawing."